As a young girl never really cared to much for my weight, it wasn't something a normal 7 year old thought about. I was chubby as a baby, according to my mom and of course baby pictures I have seen of myself, I was a BIG baby, but who is to blame? Am I to blame for being BIG when I was born? I thought I was normal 7lbs and .5oz 21 inches long. It was in 1979 that I was born to my parents. I was the first child of 3 and boy was I alone for those first 11 years of my childhood and even though I really wanted siblings, I got used to be the only one. Anyhow, I am thankful for both of my siblings, I couldn't and wouldn't want to imagine my life without them.
Like I was saying, I never thought of my weight as a child. Thinking of ones weight as a child was never thought of until now. At 8 years old I had family members tell me that I was going to grow up and be as big as my grandmother and that hurt me. For two reasons it hurt me. Reason #1: I loved this grandmother with all my heart! She taught me how to make cakes, took me to church, said the salvation prayer with me and then had me baptized at her church. Reason #2: I knew my grandmother was not a small woman and I swore to myself that I would NEVER in my life allow myself to get out of control, but keep in mind these thoughts and ideas were pushed on to me as a young child. All I knew was being overweight, obese, whatever you want to call it was negative and thus gave me a negative self image and has really eaten away at my own confidence and self esteem.
I truly do have the most amazing husband in the world. He loves me for who I am and what I look like. He asks me not to wear makeup because it covers my beauty. Why can't I see the beauty in me that he sees? I remember laying in bed as a teenager and in my twenties and even now in my thirties, crying asking God to somehow help me lose this weight that I have gained and help me feel beautiful. Not because I am exactly like my grandmother as I was told as a child, that I would let myself get as Big as her, but because of other factors and life stresses that I can share with you later.
There have been times in my life where I would look at myself in the mirror and cry, I did inside myself today while I was at physical therapy. I don't like my butt, my husband on the other hand, LOVES it! In my twenties, I taught myself to use a mirror and look at myself in the eyes. I would say things like, "You are beautiful", "You are the apples of Gods eye and he made you just as you are", "There is no one else in the world like you" "You are made in Gods image and if he is handsome, so are you". It wasn't easy at first I would break down in to tears and it would take me a very long time to convince myself that I was telling myself the truth.
What the industry has done to so many of us has made us feel like, if we are not thin, skinny and nearly anorexic looking, then we are doing something wrong. I just want to get back to a size 12 or even a 10! Can you believe when I was a size 12 standing at 5'8" an ex boyfriend, whom I was dating at the time, told me that I was chubby and needed to lose weight? He was a doctor and of course they know what they are talking about after all, right? I wish I could see him today and give him a HARD SMACK in the face and a piece of my mind, but that is the humanity of me. At this point all I can do is forgive him for acting like a jerk and saying those hurtful words, move on and grown from it.
Today I am 5'8"......and wear 18w...sighs.
My generation wasn't taught how to eat properly to live, but live to eat and enjoy everything! One of EACH! We were taught, if you don't get it or eat it now, it won't be there when you want it. We were not taught delayed gratification and we grew up with the microwaves and fast food industry on the rise. So fast food is what was for dinner as well as frozen and boxed foods full of preservatives and all sorts of junk!
Currently I weigh 242 pounds and my goal is to get to 140 by my next birthday...I will be 37 so here the count down begins. I am counting on you to hold me accountable!!
I am not allowed to lie if I did or didn't workout, includes physical therapy and EVERYTHING I ate and drank, it all adds up. We do have some freezer meals left over, so if it is something like that, I will take a picture of it and the ingredients so you can see what is in it. May this be a healthy journey for us all and that we get to learn some amazing health and fitness tips along the way to help make this journey easy for us all!
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